"I just want to say that I am sorry for disappearing and keeping distant."
That's how the email I got this morning from a former colleague/"sort of friend" began.
Yeah, no communication for over 4 years... I'd call that distant.
But really, the no communication thing was at the end of our relationship, and the results of some horrible accusations and behaviors. A symptom, but not the problem.
What do you do when an apology isn't really an apology for the real issues?
I'll admit it... I STINK at forgiving. Letting go, moving on...these are not hard wired into my nature, and have long been a source of frustration as I try to improve who I am.
Somehow it seems if I forgive I am somehow condoning the behavior that was unacceptable in the first place and thus saying.. "Go ahead, do bad things, treat me or others poorly, it's ok."
Yeah, I know I know, I've read all the books, done the counseling. Not forgiving hurts me the most, but in many cases I have yet to find the means to truly let go.
This case is one of them. Particularly because the "apology" is so carefully evasive of any real substance.
Important meetings, grading, making yogurt, and even Dancing with the Stars, will give me time to formulate response.
For now though, I ponder my weakness and marvel at those who have forgiven the most heinous of grievances.
Ponder/Harbor = Fester.
Forgive=lance and heal.
So obvious on paper, so difficult in real application.
5 comments:
Ahhh...that IS a dilemma.I always hope to be forgiven when I do something stupid, mean, thoughtless - but, at times find it trying to do what I would ask others to do.
I had a situation last week that kept me awake for two nights - and then when I was "forgiven" it was done in such a manner that I felt worse about it than before.
I think there is a real gift in being truly forgiving and not many people really have that. I hope to be able to be generous on both ends someday...I have a feeling it will be one of those things I'll be working on in the eternities.
Of course my vote is for the lance and heal - but as you said easier said than done.
Good luck.
It's hard to forgive. But like Crazy, I always hope people will forgive me, because sometimes I do, mostly say some pretty dumb things. I'm for lance and heal also, to help you. Good Luck.
Hmmmmm....i do believe 110% that forgiveness helps you more than the offender. Humans make mistakes...we are all human.
I was told once that just because you "forgive" someone doesn't mean you have to be their best friend or even like them anymore AND it definately does not mean you are condoning the behavior. You are just saying "I know we all make mistakes and I'm not going to let this ruin me...so I forgive you and I'm moving on."
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
I also vote for the lance and heal...but I know how difficult this can be....GRRRRRR.
XOXOXO
I think for me it is hard to discern between forgiving and just plain not liking the person anymore! Maybe I just don't know how to full heartily forgive?
My take is yea forgive, but who says you have to have anything to do with her. I mean your not friends any more..... right? I'm sorry but who needs to open them selves back up to that again.
Truly, what it comes down to is that she is feeling bad for what she did and wants you to say it was okay. It wasn't. you were hurt, and really I think you have forgiven her, just not forgotten what she did. Some would say that is not true forgiveness. I would say that is self preservation!
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